Assalamualaikum; 

I know it's been a while(a very long while) since I wrote here and I'm sorry. If I'm just being all conceited right now(bc no one reads this piece of crap of a blog) then I'm sorry to my future /idk/ 20 y/o self for not providing enough embarrassing secondary(or high) school stories. But here I am with a kinda thoughtful topic; Insecurity.

So, where do we begin? Maybe when I was 11, when I first notice how fat I look. I mean I am huge since I was born, but that time when I look at the mirror, I saw a bear. A huge kinda cute bear looking back at me. I used to care just a little when my friends called me unattractive, and it never gets me. But this time it shot me like an arrow. The longer I look, the sadder the bear in the mirror appeared. Then I realized I was very ugly and started my very first train of thought about my appearance. Also begin my first thought of suicide.

Fast forward to my last year of primary school. It was honestly the worst but still best year of my life. The school that I go on the mornings are terrible, but the ones I go in the afternoon, my primary religion school, is fantastic, caused by a presence of a new girl I have loved since(she's my best friend not my girlfriend btw). And I noticed that I got more shy by second.

The first year of secondary school, well I made friends and still stay in contact with my old friends and got a boyfriend and ex boyfriend in the same year, but I still get the urge to hurt myself whenever I looked in the mirror. My face was chipmunk-like and I resembled a whale. I didn't like myself as much as I used to. I was still childish. I cried a lot, like an ocean lot. I was snobbish, and failed my exams(it didn't reach my usual all A's standard) because I was too into how I look, act and dress. And in the last two months of 2013 I have chose to grew into some disorder that I still have now.

The second year, and I grew more mature, I noticed a few things.

-my friends are changing with me

-my friends are arses

-I'm still fat 

-but I lose 10 kgs(like the last post)

-hurting yourself does ease away the pain, just to make you suffer while showering next morning.

Things are changing and I hate it. I am determined to lose weight so I can get into sports by 2015, but that lasted for like, two weeks. But near October, I find myself getting too into running. I would run for hours on a treadmill( what I call my bedroom floor) and never want to stop. I think time gets the best of me because I don't run anymore. But I would love a couple of miles just talking about it.

This year, my third year in secondary school, I am very sure I'm insecure, as f. I'm so effed up that I can't even look at my best friend anymore. I feel like everyone around me is so beautiful and perfect, then there's me being a lonely loser and acts all childish about everything. I feel insecure just by liking someone. Even when they barely know me and they barely talk to me. I hate having crushes by the way. Because it all didn't end up like in the movies or stories or some in real life, and your little crush towards someone would be literally crushed. But back to the main topic, insecurity kills the insides making you feel like you can't even answer the teachers. I can't feel that way anymore. I shake whenever I'm a little away from my best friend. I'm a little afraid of the male species, not because of my father or anything(because he's the best father one could be) but because of the judgemental looks many has given to me. 

So I don't really know how to cope with insecurity, except to be in my comfort zone or with a person I trust my whole life with. I can go on stage and perform aloud, but give me some kids from my school and I'll be trembling. But I know that we can work this out together.

Share your thoughts on how to deal with insecurity in the comment section as it is much needed for me as well as others. 

See you later, Assalmaualaikum.

-permata