Assalamualaikum and hello !

I am feeling 10 feet down underground these days. January was probably my happiest month I've ever had since idk. It has uplifted my spirits (lol) and helped me believe again. That is until I was kicked in the bum by my own mix of mental disorders and my life just fell apart. I start to live outside of my life again , which was what I did when I was on my school holiday last year.

I dont know how to describe this feeling. If I just say empty, I can still feel some mass in my heart and mind. But I'm not content either. I'm far from content. I just feel sad, hopeless and just done with life. I'm not doing well with my homeworks. I wish it would not be so important. My teachers are fine, some are too pushy but that is highly because of the pressure of having twenty six clueless kids in the laboratory studying the course you took for years in university. I believe in that. I choose to.

But I am doing well with school. It's truly fun despite the unwanted drama. It's the creative side that's I'm worried about. I'm losing my creative energy and I hate that. When my laptop was being cranky, all I want to do is open up Word and type because my fingers hurt from writing with a pen. But now my mind has lost its ideas. Before, I had all this amazing outcomes on really good quality video, filming with nature and stuff based on my perspective. Now I'm just losing everything. I'm falling apart. I honestly have some happy days but most of them are either bad days or okay days.

I'm nearly sixteen and I have no idea on what I want to be. I dodge the "you'll find out soon enough" crap. I'm sixteen. I should know what I want to be by now. When I was 10 , I had 100 ambitions. and now I want to be nothing. Not even an atom. I've lost hope. I have no dreams. How do I live ? No idea.