but its been banging on my mind 

and i cant put it out on twitter like i always do 

bc that site is full of darkness right now 

and i would not like to add more. 

so here i am. 

the place i always go when i need to shout something i cant to the world. 

i am drowning. 

the only reason i have not attemped to off my self

is purely because i love my dad more than i want to die. 

i cant pass this heartache to him. 

i never want to even attempt 

bc doing so means i will fail

and failing to do so means i have to see him heartbroken.

if i succeed 

that’ll break him even more.

either way he will suffer. 

i want him to live his best life. 

so i'll endure this pain 

even if it hurts 

even if its killing me 

if it makes him happy. 

i need you alive,

more than i hate the situation.